• Noah

GOON-O-RAMA, 2021 In Review, Part 4: Republicans In Their Own Words 2021.1

-by Noah

There are lots of ways to say 'Republican' in the English language, lots of words. The best word that always comes to my mind when I see or hear a Republican is the word 'asshole'. After all, the mission in any Republican's life does really seem to be finding ways to crap all over the world. Republicans are just like dumb barnyard animals. They don't even stop to crap. They just let it loose and send it flying and keep walking. Sometimes it's to mark what they see as their own territory. Sometimes it's just because they can. If I had my way, I would shoot butt plugs at them all day long, red, white and blue ones. It's the least I can do for my country. It's the least anybody can do.

Now that I've shown you how apt the word 'asshole' is, please keep in mind that when using the word 'asshole' to describe a Republican, it's a word that welcomes adjectives. You know like, "That Kevin McCarthy is one flaming nazi asshole!"

Got the picture? Have you accepted the fact that, from now on, everytime you see some wild or semi-wild animal running along, especially a drooling rabid one (Rudy Giuliani comes to mind) crapping its merry way, you might as well be looking at any Republican in the world? OK, but keep in mind that, as if to illustrate what I've been saying, republicans often like to choose their own words to define themselves as asshoes. That's why, every year, I pick out some of the things Republicans have said with their own words that boil down to them being an asshole. It's their choice. Far be it from me to take away their freedoms so here starts a selection from the year's best examples of Republicans making sure we know who they are, as if we didn't already know.

Do you ever think, even for a moment, that Republicans are not insane? Well, consider the following words from former Texas Governor Rick Perry who "served" as a member of the Trump administration. He was The Secretary of Energy. He's also the 50 IQ assclown that told the country on live TV that, if he was president, he'd get rid of 3 departments on day one. Then he could even name them. He got as far as 2. One was the Department of Energy. Says a lot for Texas schools, doesn't it? "Failing electric power! No brain power!" He should make that his slogan the next time he runs for Texas governor. Those idiot yahoos in Texas would elect him again, too. In the meantime, it looks like Perry was a key figure in the Republican Party's attempted coup on 1/6. Anyway, here he he is:

Texans would be without electricity for longer than three days to keep the federal government out of their business. Try not to let whatever the crisis of the day is take your eye off of having a resilient grid that keeps America safe personally, economically, and strategically.

700 Texans died in the power failure but judging from his own words, that means nothing to an asshole like Rick Perry of the so-called Pro-Life Party. No wonder Trump wanted him as part of his homicidal team. Republicans consider things like power that keeps homes warm and prevents kids, the elderly and everyone else from getting pneumonia and dying to be luxuries. Hell, the power grid keeps the water purification systems going too; can't have that luxury now can we? A little lead and cholera never hurt anybody, right? A good Texan would always choose that!

Texans always talk about self-reliance. That's why they built their rickety Texas homemade 3rd world hamster-powered power grid, ironically named ERCOT for Electric Reliability Council Of Texas, and built it completely separated from the two power interconnects that serve the rest of the continental 48 states. When it comes to providing power for their citizens, the goons of Texas government seceded from the rest of the country. If only they'd take the next step. They talk about it enough. How's that free market bullshit workin' for ya, Rick? "Green energy? We don't need no stinkin' green energy! That thar is commonizm! Marxism, Socialism, or somethin'!"

Apparently leading republican $enator "Ted" Cruz didn't quite agree with Rick Perry about trading comfort and health for "independence" since he packed up his family and fled south of the border for Cancun, all but guaranteeing that, among even worse things, he will always be known as Fled Cruz the man who left the family dog behind to suffer in a cold house.

Not only was Perry a cabinet level member of the deliberately inept Trump administration but, as mentioned before, he was Governor of Texas. Texas took a look at this genius and elected him not once but 3 times! He was even dumber than his predecessor, George W. Bush. What could go wrong with that! Well then, during Perry's governorship, the state was warned they better winterize their grid or it might collapse. They didn't. No wonder Trump wanted Perry to run the entire country's energy department.

After Perry, of course, the majority moron voting population of Texas elected current Governor Greg Abbott straight out of the local imbecile factory. What will they come up with next? Ah, but funny how when a disaster, man-made or otherwise happens, Texans scream for government aid and FEMA trucks just like everyone else. Maybe next time we should just tell them, "Hey, you wanted to be on your own, you're on your own. Buy some hamsters and some wheels."