Gift Ideas For Republicans, 2025, Part 5

The 'What About When Traitor Trump Dies' Edition

By Noah

With any amount of much needed good fortune at all, America's Number One Domestic Terrorist and Traitor will be dead and tossed in a military burn pit with a few tons of other deadly toxic shit by this time next year, so, now's the time to give a republican, any republican, you have the grave misfortune to even be acquainted with, a little something they can always remember the object of their love and adoration by. Below are a few items you may want to consider.

1. First up is what you see above, The Trump™ Realistic Human Eyes Lifelike Sunglasses! These are obviously inspired by The Diaper Don's constant dozing off at cabinet meetings after his harsh nights of semi-coherent, ungrammatical, rage tweeting on the pathologically misnamed Truth Social. I, for one, will not be shocked if every member of his administration, and all the Republikook members of Congress start wearing these glasses very soon in some sort of typical show of solidarity with their Dearly Beloved Leader, and, by the way, I have already sent a pair to Supreme Court Grand Wizard John Roberts. Also good for staring at eclipses of the Sun.

2. After Trump croaks his last, any republican in your life will be wanting more than just the above glasses to worship the memories of their beloved traitor. So, why not a nice Fat Felon Rapist Trump Action Figure™? Sure it comes in Trump Cankle-Size™ suitable for a large stocking but, fear not; I hear the Republican National Committee will also soon be making this action figure available as a quadruple life-size lawn display. That's a real good thing, too, since the homemade one I have hanging from the tall oak tree in my front yard is getting soggy and moldy, so much so that it may soon smell as bad as Trump himself. Damn, even the neighborhood crows won't peck at its eyes anymore.

3. Are you a wee bit wary of the body shaming aspect of calling Traitor Trump a fat rapist? Then, why not a Trump action figure from The Orange Oval Office Series? Personally, I make exceptions for that sort of thing when the target of my animosity is as vile as Trump. Hell, I also call him a Fat Felon Racist. Whatever, sometimes just telling it like it is is very cleansing for the soul. Sure, the doll looks a little emaciated compared to Trump's current real deal appearance but that's fine. It's the thought that counts.

4. Any corpse is going to need good grooming, and I don't mean in a sex kind of way. I mean a Dead, Dead, Deader than a doornail kind of way, a ready for a weekend of lying in state in the Capitol Rotunda kind of way. Hence the need for a Trump Dictator Styling Figure Kit™! After all, you know damn well that every Putin-loving Congressionalista is going to be demanding that their Dear Leader's corpse be on display in the Capitol Building. I can just see them all filing past the open coffin weeping and wailing. Trump's dead husk will be adorned with a pair of the Trump™ Realistic Human Eyes Lifelike Sunglasses and Little Marco Rubio will be sitting there next to the coffin gabbing away to his beloved like it's just another official cabinet meeting. He'll be doing that until Kristi Noem threatens to shoot him in the face and pushes him out of the way. And, yes, as the picture shows, the Trump Styling Figure Kit™ comes with a couple of underaged girls, just the way he likes 'em. Sorry Ms. Boebert. You're too old.

5. Lastly, a little bonus, the KKKarolyin' Leavitt BS Barbie dolly! Who else is gonna go before America and the world and try to convince us that Trump is still alive long after he falls asleep on some glorious afternoon and doesn't wake up? Don't worry! You know we can count on BS Barbie! At least, that is until JD Vance replaces her with the Talking Erica Kirk On A Couch Blow-up Doll™.