• Noah

The 2021 DWT Gift Guide For Repugs! Part 3!

A Little Something For Republican Kiddies!

-by Noah

It's been a rough year for Republican children what with their parents spending so much time physically attacking school board members, phoning in death threats to anyone they can think of and all that, not to mention seeing their parents spend every spare dime on various Trump Nazi flags and banners for the front lawn. So, this year I wanted to remind republicans that the lives of children matter even after they're born.

The first thing I thought of as a gift for a republican child was the gift of a Monopoly board game but I quickly realized they probably already have one, or at least some sort of video game version. Likewise. I thought of telling Republican parents to consider giving their children the gift of common sense but I know that ship sailed long ago. Besides, republicans don't like lefties like me telling them how to raise their kids.

Next I looked everywhere to see if there was such a thing as a Critical Race Theory game, but, alas no. And no Hang Mike Pence puppet set (Complete with gallows) either.

Ah, but I did find a few things and here they are below!

1. A Little Golden "Maga Can't Fly" Book! I had a bunch of these when I was a kid. I cherished them and because of them I had learned to read way before I got to school. Oh wait! Did I say, learned to read? Damn, that's a tough sell for a republican household these days. They don't even know what the word maga means. They think it means "Make America Great Again" but to the rest of us it means "Hey, look at me. I'm a white supremacist a-hole." Still, in the case of this book, having something that explains to republican children why they never get to fly off to new horizons for vacations might be worth it.

2. A LEGO Capitol Invasion Play Set? (See Above) Hey, why not? The problem is, of course, that the poor kid that finds this under their tree will have to be constantly trying to pry it away from its mentally deranged parents. But think about the training uses! With this play set, any Republican kid can get ready for that big day when they get to go to Washington or even just to their state capitol and wreck pointless havoc, proudly killing a few cops along the way, too. Why being a Republican is just like joining a street gang! Throw a taser stick in the stocking and you've got a perfect Republican Christmas for a Republican child.

And, sure, Republicans do have a lot of regrets about what happened on 1/6 despite their best plans and efforts. Regrets like the act that the Diaper Don was not made Dictator Of The United States Of America ("President For Life"), Mike Pence wasn't hung from the gallows erected outside the Capitol Building, Speaker Pelosi wasn't shot, AOC is still alive, more cops weren't killed by the mob... You get the picture. Polls show us that 70,000,000 or so republicans are still crying enough salty tears to fill an ocean. Most republicans are still in a state of intense despair about coming within an inch of their goal only to fail, but now, for a minimal investment of just a few pennies a day, you can bring a smile to their faces as they watch their child re-enact that glorious day when their white supremacist mob stormed into the Capitol Building and smeared their feces on the walls with the new Capitol Invasion Lego set! Ages 6 to 166.

3. How About a nice record? I know what yer thinkin'. Kids these days don't know what a record is, at least not the vinyl kind, but, in fact, more and more they do. The sale of recorded music on vinyl is on the rise again even if that's in a way that's severely limited by the limited brain power of the dopes that run record companies. Believe it or not, the record companies don't even own their own record pressing plants. They got rid of them years ago, and now they're in a losing battle to keep up with the demand. Genius!

So, yeah, a record and, of course, a record player for a kid, a good one, not one of those pieces of crap that costs $100 or less. A record is a pathway, a gateway if you will, to the riches of endless varieties and, dare I say it, diversity of musical styles available in this multicultural world. Well, therein lies the problem I guess. What republican wants their child finding out about anything beyond the borders of the block they live on? "Beyond thar horizon be dragons! Sea serpents! Black people!" But still, I've had records since I began to walk or thereabouts. Once I heard "Blue Suede Shoes" by the great Carl Perkins, it was all over. Today, I have thousands of records. 45s! LPs! 78s! Thousands! Because of records, I have seen a decent sized chunk of the world and imagined the rest.

So anyway, start that republican kid out with something that will look safe and even inviting to his or her parents, fearful as they no doubt are. Take pleasure in how subversive you're being. The first one's free ya know.

4. Terrorist Barbie! No, I don't mean cloven-hoofed Marjorie Traitor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Marsha Blackburn, or Lindsey Graham. I mean a Barbie based on Jenna Ryan the 2-Amp-brained real estate clown form some god forsaken nut state called Texas! It was Jenna who loudly and proudly proclaimed that she'd never be sentenced to jail time because she's white and "pretty." Well, she learned otherwise even if your sentence was a ridiculous 50 years too short. Looks aren't everything, Jenna, and frankly, you have a way too inflated opinion of what you see in your funhouse mirror. In my book, you're a one bagger for sure and the 16 year old version of me would not have even been interested if you kept your little white hood on.

5. The Trump Daddy Saddle! Who's the daddy of every Republican you know? Do I even need to ask? Certainly Kevin McQarthy knows. Ditto any repug anywhere. They worship that bloated swisscheese-brained orange menace to society. He rides herd on them all. They don't even open their dumb fat mouths without his permission. The Diaper Don is the Saddam Hussein of republicans. They don't so much as pick a tie without his say so. The Trump Daddy Saddle may be last on this list but it's the perfect choice since republican parents want to get their kids thoroughly trained and ready for republican adulthood. Well, that's it. I'm now out of fresh ideas of gifts for the grifted. Be sure to check out parts one and two of this series. If you're lucky, I might go back and compile a list of the best gifts of holidays past. Happy Holiday!