by Noah As longtime readers know, every year I prepare a Gift Guide for Republicans. I do this out of the goodness of my heart of course. Sad to say, there are no Republicans anymore. They have all decided to be who they have always known themselves to be inside. They have come out and openly transitioned into domestic terrorists and domestic terrorist cheerleaders. If there was any doubt about that after the events of 1/6, there is now zero chance for doubt after the fanatical hero worship of Kyle Rittenhouse they have been openly displaying. Obviously, what these sociopaths and psychos really want is a nice, spanking new Nazi armband but they will have to get that themselves. I refuse. I'm sure lots of these jackasses are knitting their own at home while you read this anyway. So, without further ado, here be my list of suggestions. Not to worry. I have other ideas, too, but I'll keep it civil.
1. A UV Aquarium Light! Is that Trump-loving Nazi you know still unvaxxed but a little bit worried about getting COVID? Does he or she also want to please their bloated orange idol? He says a UV light up the ass can work wonders and we know Lindsey Graham would agree! Aquarium lights are a great source of UV light rays! They're used to clean algae so why not COVID virus spores? At least so goes republican logic. So, why not make it extra easy for your giftee and shove a nice aquarium light up their ass. Okay, I'm not saying YOU literally have to do that but it's the thought that makes giving this gift so joyous, and you do want to be joyous, don't you?
2. How 'bout a nice hat? Ever since their Orange Menace To Society lost, he has, with the enthusiastic help of RNC Chairbozo Rona Romney McDaniel and her entire truly deplorable party apparatus, put the party grift machine in overdrive by selling various levels of Trump Club memberships, "Trump Won-Brandon Lost" t-shirts, mugs, whatever, even offers to sell you a "founding supporter membership" for the Diaper Don's pathetic new social media (anti-social) platform. I'm on the RNC email list and I have personally received 5 non-payment emails from the RNC for that one, all because I haven't joined up. Yep, the Domestic Terror Party is milking their boy's loss for every dime they can get. As I write this, the news has just broken that even general donations to the "Republican Party" are going to Trump's defense in his many real estate overvaluation cases. It's not all just going into his offshore accounts. But, what else would you expect from any organization that features a Trump and a Romney on the masthead? I expect that, by next week, they will be trying to auction off the bullet casings from Kyle Rittenhouse's gun, with a signed certificate of course. 3. The New QANON Game, Home Edition (See Above!): Is that QANON nutball uncle of yours despondent because he can't make it to Dealey Plaza to see JFK Jr. (and maybe his dad) resurrect himself in time to be the Diaper Don's new VP when his imminent reinstatement comes to pass? Tell him not to worry. He doesn't have to join the crowd in Dallas in person. Now he can play at home with the new QANON Game Home Edition! But, you better order right away! With over 70 million lunatic Trump voters out there (and we mean out there, the demand is sure to exceed supply, especially with the pandemic-caused supply chain problems! Such irony! Be sure to tell the giftee not to worry about the possibility of nano spy chips being hidden in the packaging. In fact, if you want to have some extra fun, just say that about every gift he receives. Then, come back a week later and witness the fact that he's been too afraid to open any of his presents. Then tell him that all Christmas trees grown since Obama's inauguration in 2009 have chips embedded in their trunks and pine cones. Watching that tree instantly fly out the window will be quite a thing to behold!
4. Jewish Space Laser Pins! And, lastly, for your crazy repug auntie, how about some nice jewelry she's sure to fear as much as she adores the cloven-hoofed Marjorie Traitor Greene herself. It's a natural! She can sell 'em on ebay and get some money for her second Camp Auschwitz sweatshirt. Stay tuned for Part 2!