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  • Writer's pictureNoah

The 2021 DWT Gift Guide For Repugs! Part 2!

by Noah

No, we're not suggesting you give any of the Domestic Terror Party (formerly known as the Republican Party) lunatics that you know a Camp Auschwitz sweatshirt, a furry hat with horns, a flagpole with a custom speartip, a KKK sheet and hood ensemble or anything of that sort. No, we think you should give these crazies something they don't already have. Part 1 of the DWT Gift Guide For Repugs ran on Wednesday. Now, here ya go. Part 2 of the 2021 DWT Gift Guide!

1. The Trump Second Term Coin- This one is actually real, all too real. True story. Trump and the RNC will gladly sell you this 2021-2025 coin as part of their greater grift. They keep saying the Diaper Don won and they keep saying he will be reinstated, and no, it's not just the My Pillow Loon, Rudy The Drip, Mike Flynn, and the usual group of GOP media nutballs. No doubt they think they can sell enough of these to pay for a second inauguration that will attract even fewer treasonous wackjobs than the first one. Crack is a terrible thing. It's not meant to be the blessed sacrament of a political party.

2. My Straightjacket By Mike Lindell! See above! Straitjacket or straightjacket? The former is the usually accepted spelling but do you really think Mike Lindell can spell? The only words left in his vocabulary are Meth, Trump and Crack. Still, to be sure, any repug could benefit from wearing a straitjacket so a My Straightjacket is definitely a gift worth considering. You may wish you brought a few if you're visiting any Trump freaks for dinner over the holidays but, personally I'd just bring a blowgun and plenty of sleep darts if I went at all. Meanwhile, I'm working on a patent for a staplegun conversion kit.

3. Trump Old Fashioned Lead Paint Chips! How about the gift of food? Trump Lead Paint Chips, Regular or Stocking Stuffer Size! And, don't worry! Any republican receiving this gift is already thoroughly brain damaged! They prove it every time they open their mouths. They proved it when they registered to vote as Repugs. Besides, they love serving water laden with lead to inner city children so they must think lead is A-OK, right? Remember, Trump Lead Paint Chips, in Yellow Flavor! Yellow is his favorite color and we know why! Trump Lead Paint Chips! The Republican Breakfast Of Republicans! The kind that Republican luminaries like Louie Gohmert, QAnon Shaman, Mark Meadows, Kevin McQarthy, Marjorie Traitor Greene, and, most definitely Paul Gosar consume every day! Bags of 'em! Every guest wacko on FQX "News" gets a 10 pound bag! They serve them in their green room, too! Isn't it obvious?

4. Republican White Whine! Gotta wash down those Lead Paint Chips with something! How about some white whine? And man, do we mean white! Aged, too, for that extra edge! Old white repug men are always whining like spoiled babies. Cases in point: "Ted" Cruz, Chris "Crispy Creme" Christie, Moscow Mitch the Moscow Bitch, Wississippi's Ron Johnson, and 125 year old Chuck Grassley. But, make no mistake, these Nazi tools may whine like babies 24 hours a day but they're plenty dangerous, drunk or not.

5. Perplexa! We all know that the Domestic Terror Party membership loves "alternative facts" so why not give some pathetic repug a Perplexa? Confusion reigns supreme with these lost souls so they'll be wanting one as soon as they ask Alexa who won the 2020 election, anything about climate change, vaccines and race, definitely race. Voice options include Kayleigh McEnany, Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Sean Spicy Spicer, the KKK's Sean Hannity and Tucker Tiki Torch, Lindsey "Lite Loafers" Graham, the blithering Marsha "Moonshiner" Blackburn, and of course, the master-- Donnie Psycho himself! And, although she seems to have disappeared, if you're willing to pay a little extra, I hear you can get Melania, but only for an hour!

Gift List #3 is coming soon! It's a special Children's Edition. You know I wouldn't forget our future Republikooks, now, don't you?

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