by Noah
Sunday Thoughts: Enter The Bible Masturbator!
I don't believe there are any coincidences in a matter like this. I believe that scripture, the Bible, is very clear that God is the one that raises up those in authority. He raised up each of you. All of us. And I believe that God has allowed and ordained each and every one of us to be here at this specific moment.
--The new Christian Nationalist House Speaker Johnson as he claimed to be chosen and ordained by God upon election to the Speakership.
Who says Republicans aren't resourceful? Who says they're disorganized and dysfunctional? C'mon! It took 'em awhile but, when push came to shove, they got a man (certainly not a woman) who embodies everything they stand for and everything their charred little Nazi hearts desired. At first they wanted the Diaper Don but his legal issues got in the way. Then there was Louisiana's proud KKK boy Steve Scalise who apparently just wasn't evil enough in their eyes. Then there was Gym "If you see something, say nothing" Jordan the total assclown from Ohio who apparently likes to watch wrestling coaches have sex with their student athletes. None of the three made the cut. Hell! What's a nihilistic hate-mongering power mad party to do? Where is that hero among them who can galvanize the party?
Fear not! Enter another fine typical Louisiana nutjob named Mike Johnson who not only is and was one of Traitor Trump's top coup planners (which of course makes him a traitor to the country, too) and a total Christian Nationalist and a creationist. He's also anti-trans, a total homophobe (he once blamed the fall of the Roman Empire on "the gays" but he blames a lot of things on "the gays" and is an avid supporter of criminalizing homosexuality), anti-healthcare (Communism), anti-Social Security (More Communism), a climate denier, and a typical Republican misogynista (like virtually all republicans, he also blames a lot of things he doesn't like on bodily autonomy and abortion), and that just barely scratches the surface. In short, he's a complete Repug bible-thumpin'Jesus Nut, ruled by hate and his uncontrollable desire to dictate how everyone else lives their lives! Republicans will always tell you God made all of us in his image but what they really mean is they want you to conform to their image, and their image only, of how they demand us to be. Hard to have that both ways!
So, there you have it. Speaker Johnson, The ideal distillation of the Republican essence who sees his bible as some sort of authoritarian handbook! Perfect!!! How perfect, you ask? Well, when asked by a reporter what he believed in, he didn't hesitate for a second and said,
"Well, go pick up the bible off your shelf and read it. That's my worldview."
With that in mind and in the interest of clarity, I will live up to my patriotic duty and point out some bible-isms that I guess Speaker Mike Johnson swears by. Here ya go! A nice tidy little list!
Deuteronomy 25:11-12: If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show her pity.
Genesis 19:8: Look I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.
Genesis 6:2: The sons of God saw that the daughters of humans were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose.
1 Samuel 18:20-30: The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins to take revenge on his enemies. Genesis 19:30: Let's get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.
Hmmm, that last one sounds particularly southern, doesn't it? Or is it just a sort of Trump-Ivanka thing? And that foreskin thing? What's that about? Is it some sort of closet thing? Do Republicans fry them up like calamari for their behind closed door luncheons? I wouldn't be at all surprised.
The bottom line to all this is that a belief in Christian Nationalism has now officially taken over the House Of Representatives. Unlike the votes for Scalise and Jordan, not a single republican member of the House opposed Johnson. They have now all officially signed on with the Christian Nationalist Jihad. Perfect Republican. Perfect Nazi! The same damn thing. They've got Speaker Johnson, The Bible Masturbator! Makes ya kind of wonder if the current Speaker would kill his son on the floor of the House if his god asked him to, doesn't it?
And now, we wait. People who wear religion on their sleeve as much as Speaker Johnson tend to be using their excessively professed zeal to hide something, attempt to bury something, or run away from it. I have a feeling it'll be a lot worse than what happened with another religious nutter from Louisi-phucking-anna named Jimmy Swaggert. He merely got himself pulled over by the cops as he was a ridin' down the road with a hooker in the passenger seat and a stack of porno mags in the back. The clock is ticking, Que sera sera!