No one does sex scandals quite like the Brits, so when the news broke a few days ago that a gropping man pal of Prime Minister Boris Johnson named David Pincher had caused the destructive and farcical Johnson government that never should have existed to finally fall, well, my inner 10-year-old Noah simply could not wait to hear what British luminaries would be in line if the new administration were to be another Tory one. Fat chance of that, right now though, but never underestimate these crazy times.
Anyway, the Brits, especially, their bottomless upper class field of twits, have more than their share of interesting surnames that are both apt and inappropriate. Here is how I imagine that some future Tory government will shape up.
The Times Of London
Dateline, Sometime in the miserable future:
Rumours are afoot that the Tories are aiming to quickly form a new government in the wake of the resignation of Prime Minister Margo Cravan. The Times has found out that prospective new cabinet officials will include the following. We will update as new information surfaces from our top twitter, artificial intelligence, and no intelligence whatsoever sources.
1. Sir Neville Groper, Deputy Prime Minister, Lord Chancellor And Secretary Of State For Justice.
2. Sir Cyril Lovecock, Minister Of State For Brexit Opportunities.
3. Lord Robert Firmbottom, Secretary Of State For Defence.
4. Sir Fortescue Fuckham, Secretary Of State For Digital Culture, Media, And Sport.
5. Lord Lindsey Polesmoker, Chancellor Of The Exchequer.
6. Dame Fiona Felter-Fullsome, Secretary Of State For The Home Department.
7. Lord Henry "Hank" Handy, Secretary Of State For Work And Pensions.
8. Baroness Penelope Deerraper, Leader Of The House Of Lords and Lord Privy Seal.
That's all we have for now but we do know that the colourful Charles "Charlie" Ramshole is lobbying for the job of Minister of the Interior and Development. We also hear that current U.S. Florida Governor Matt Gaetz is applying for dual citizenship and angling for a position in the area of education but it is said that aging Prince Andrew wants the job since he has nothing else to do and hasn't for years. And, of course, as previously expected, new Conservative Party leader Lord Reginald Boy-Fondle will be approved as Prime Minister by our 128 year-old Queen Elizabeth II.