Midnight Meme Of The Day! Imagine A World... Where The REAL Trump Hit The Tabloids!

by Noah

Now this is the David Pecker tabloid I'd love to see! Alas! This is not the dimension I live in. Please, Rod Serling, if you're listening, deliver me to that dimension! 

Whatever. Look at that collection of assclowns on the mock tabloid cover above. I'll go in order from the top left.

1. Kellyanne Conway: I try not to get into physical appearances but, for the evil people, I see little wrong in making exceptions. Whatever species she is, she is an A-1 Super Delux example of the inner evil of a person eventually showing itself on the outside.

2. Melania Trump: Melania, Melanie, Mercedes, Melanoma, whatever this living (?) mannequin's name is, I can't imagine that the current trial of her "one true love" has her on the brink of anything. She knew she was a bought and paid for brood sow when she made her deal. She can always go back to her Tiffany boyfriend. Would he steal for her? I don't know, but a guy who has sex with a mannequin is capable of anything, no?  

3. Karen McDougal: While Trump's wife was pregnant with Baron, aka her Trump family anchor baby, Ms. McDougal was carrying on a 10 month affair to remember with The Diaper Don. She says she loves him and thought they'd be married and live happily ever after in Trump Tower, or maybe a villa overlooking the Crimean Sea or something. Damn! That's some real demented, delusional stupid right there. Thing is, unlike the previous two above, she looks pretty normal. What the hell is goin' on in that cabeza? And, just imagine the things she has seen, heard, and smelled!

4. Donald Jackass Trump, aka The Diaper Don, aka Traitor Don, aka Senor Trumpanzee, aka The Orange Menace To Society: Do I have to add anything here? I mean, just the nicknames say so much. It all adds up to his being the #1 threat to our national security and existence as any kind of democracy. I'm gonna tell him I'm Jeff Bezos, say a couple of flattering things to him and offer him a ride on my spaceship. Then I'll do what any sane person would do; stuff him in there and set the remote controls for the heart of the sun.

5. Jeffrey Epstein: Man, I'd love to know all the details about the goings on at his sexo-pervo paradise. But, that's why they hung him in his cell, isn't it? Still, maybe some repug or dem billionaire will do a deathbed confession some day. I'll buy the rights and turn it into some sort of fantasy island meets love boat update. I'll play the part of an aging Columbo meets The Equalizer in a black hat and black raincoat that goes around asking questions at just the wrong time. Meanwhile, I bet no one regrets Epstein's death more than Matt Gaetz.

6. And finally, Stormy Daniels: Will America be saved by a porn star? Stay tuned!!! That would be so, how you say, Italian of us! Move over Cicciolina! We could do worse. We already have!