by Noah Not that there's been any reason to be civil about the state of Texas before, but I'll just go ahead and declare it. There is none. Zippo. The place is just one giant, dusty, nuthouse full of brains made of tumbling tumbleweeds. How do I know this, you ask? Simple. Over this past weekend, the Texas Republican Party came up with a spanking new 2022 party platform. According to the Texas Tribune and other sources, featured points include:
If approved, the new party platform would include declaring homosexuality “an abnormal lifestyle choice," repealing the 16th Amendment that created the federal income tax, and mandating that Texas students "learn about the humanity of the preborn child,” in part by forcing students to listen to ultrasounds of gestating fetuses.
During the convention, Texas Republicans approved a resolution declaring that President Biden "was not legitimately elected."
Attendees also voted on a measure urging "lawmakers to enact legislation to abolish abortion by immediately securing the right to life and equal proaction of the laws to all preborn children from the moment of fertilization."
The platform also calls for the abolishment of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, opposes efforts to classify carbon dioxide as a pollutant, and supports prayer "being returned to our schools, courthouses, and other government buildings."
And then there's that little thing about putting secession to a vote. Look, if Third World cesspool Texas has anything left to recommend its existence in these United States, now would probably be a good time to show it to the rest of the country. From what we on the outside can see, at least half of the state, the republican half, has been wanting to secede for a long time and now they have gone and put it in print. The other half? Apparently, the democrats in Texas are way too adrift in laziness to vote in numbers large enough to effect change in anything, least of all, how they and their chock full o'nuts state is perceived by normal people. Even the democrats they vote for might as well be republicans. In that, they are not alone but Texans like to take things to extremes and Texas and its republican party are certainly symptoms of a cancer that will grow elsewhere at an even more accelerated rate as other states rush to compete with and emulate the complete insanity of the place. On paper, at least, Texas should be purple and maybe even blue but way too many state and local Democratic Party candidates (Henry Cuellar for instance) are empty husks that lack any inspiring characteristics at all that could drive non-nazi voters to the polls. Hence, "Ted" Cruz, John Cornyn, Greg Abbott, Louie Gohmert, Ken Paxton, et al. Give the republicans credit, they know that hate and lunacy work.
So, where to start? How do we give Texas a push out the door? Well, why not start with granting them their wish to be independent of America by cutting off all federal funds? Hey, I know, why not just start with pulling all 15 military bases out of the state and relocating them elsewhere. That alone would put an end to Texas getting $150,000,000,000 in federal funds every year and it would end up to 600,000 jobs. So Texas wants to tell us that they hate the federal government. Okay, fend for yourselves, dickheads!
Next, how about we move NASA and all it's related industries to a more sane and civilized state too. SpaceX will want to move too. And, hey Texas! Next time a Cat 4 or 5 hurricane hits you... No FEMA for you! No rescues from the rooftops, no food drops. Fuck off and die, motherfuckers! No Social Security, Medicare, or interstate highway upkeep either. We'll save a fortune. And, damn, just watch their gas prices rocket to the moon! They crave things to bitch and whine about? Give it to them!
Texas has already shown us how well going it alone works with their pathetic power grid and their water supply issues. Hey, I know! Let's go the extra mile and build a wall, a real wall, at the Oklahoma border. Set a date and then it's no in and no out after that, To get in before the cutoff date, passing a battery of psychological and intelligence tests will be necessary, of course. Oklahoma ain't no prize either but at least they aren't as obnoxious as Texas, yet. Grant Texas its wish. Go ahead, make our day! Oh and no one with names like Jim Bob or Billie Sue or any of those stupid double first names gets in, ever!
Now, if Texas votes to secede, there will be the remaining question of who they decide to employ as their president. The possibilities abound! Will they import the Mango Man Baby and his best little mailorder prostitute from Slovenia? Or, will it be "Ted" Cruz with Lauren Boebert as First Lady of the Night? Joel Osteen? Louie Gohmert? Greg Abbott? That nut that owns the Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones? Alex Jones? How about each of the potential presidents of Texas that I just named gets a specific day of the week in a rotation system? Hell, who gives a flying fuck at this point. Just cut the state loose already! We can then make either Puerto Rico or Washington, DC the new 50th state and not even have to change our flag.