by Noah "Mommy, where do Republicans come from?" "They come from our televisions and schools, sweetie." OK, that said, let's get on to Part 3 of our annual list of gifts for Republicans! 1. Amnesia By Ivanka, Eau De Parfum - Look at that face! The best face money can buy, or something like that. Man, that plastic surgery stuff doesn't last forever. Warning: Freakshow on the way! Meanwhile, it's a face all Republicans seem to love. I wonder if it's one of the 600 or so patents her daddy got her from China. Is it worth the trade of a few nuke secrets? NASA secrets? Daddy throwing out the Obama pandemic playbook pulling the virus alert team out of China as soon as he got to the oval office? No, of course not. None of those, Ah, but it's her ability to say "I can't recall" on the witness stand in the Family Fraud trial. That's what daddy values! That and something else I won't mention here. "That would be wrong." Anyway, Amnesia By Ivanka is just the thing when nothing else will cover the stink of being a republican.
2. Speaking of trials, how about a pair or two of these nifty Trump Commemorative Handcuffs. And may I suggest you gift them with a nice length of chain and a cinder block? You know what to do but, That would also be wrong, so don't. Just remember, it's the thought that counts! And, the prayers that they might figure it out. Oh hell, what am I saying, but it's nice to know that your message will always be hanging in the air whenever your giftee thinks of you.
3. The Rainbow AR-15! - This one's so nice it will offend a Republican twice; once because they'll think you think they don't already own an AR-15, and twice because it reminds them of gay people. It'll even cause a neat "What are you trying to say" moment or two. At least, I hope it will.
4. Thoughts 'n' Prayers Suppositories! - Don't these go great with the AR-15? No doubt they're the suppository of choice for all Republicans. Just hand them over in a nicely wrapped package, tell them to stick it up their ass followed by their AR-15. Be sure they know to pull the trigger. They might as well. AR-15s are just giant dildos anyway. Ask "Ted" Cruz. He knows. Just a substitute for something missing in their sociopathic lives. Oh and did I mention that I own the company that makes these suppositories? The secret ingredient is my special blend of jalapeno oil mixed with just a touch of highly poisonous Bolivian tree frog excretion. Works every time! Guaranteed!!!
Be sure to also see:
1. Gift Ideas For Republicans Part 1
2. Gift Ideas For Republicans Part 2