Dateline Mar-a-Lago: Mike Lindell, aka The Pillow Loon, announced the hiring today of paid celebrity douchebag Kid Rock to be his new spokesperson. Said The Pillow Loon:
I've come to realize that my conspiracy mongering and investigating has been taking away from my attention to selling my pillows so I looked around for a person who could replace me while I work on reinstating our beloved Dear Leader in the oval office where we all know he rightfully belongs. I am committed to doing that if I even have to count all 155,000,000 votes myself, plus all the other votes for Donald Trump that I am sure to find. My goal is now to have Trump reinstated by the 2022 election day! Luckily, I heard all the great things Kid Reich, er, Rock has been saying about me and Dear Leader so he is a natural. He speaks my language! And the fact that he looks a lot like me is a bonus! Me and Kid have already been investigating the Deep State with tips from Hannity and Rudy, and together, we have already found enough evidence to put 550,000,000 Americans of all ages in jail! That's going to be a glorious day!
Lindell went on to say that not only is Kid Rock "a great super duper republican par excellence" but that he has lined up a full schedule for Kid Rock on FOX "News" where he will be their newest expert on the Ukraine crisis, Vaccine chemistry, and JFK, JR's return in order to serve as Dear Leader's new V.P. When asked why Kid Rock was not at the press conference with him, Lindell avoided answering the question, leaving the press to wonder why no one has ever seen the two men in the same room at the same time. Since the two men barely have 50 brain cells together, it is now wondered if Mike Lindell suffers from a crack induced multiple personality disorder.