by Noah
Dateline Washington:
Millions of Americans have wondered how the White House can ever be aseptically readied for the new president. Rest assured, the Biden administration, whatever our other concerns, believes in science!
In the mythical sane world, the White House, the presidential airplanes, and security cars hav been tented and all physical stains, plus bacterial, viral, and DNA traces of Trump, his family, and staff are being eliminated by hazmat crews using the latest in fumigation technology. Crews were even flown in direct from Area 51 and are applying technologies from what a spokesperson referred to as "undisclosed locations."
Electronic bugs surreptitiously placed by Russian comrades of Trump during visits in the first weeks of his presidency have also been removed and magnetically destroyed after examination at a CIA lab in Langley, Virginia.
Sean "Spicey" Spicer's hideout in the bushes on the White House lawn has been removed and the entire lawn on both sides of the White House has been dug up and will be newly re-sodded this morning; paying extra attention to all known patches where Trump staffers may have stood. Kellyanne Conway's couch was removed, doused with gasoline and burned.
