-by Joshua Henne
[Trump Golf Course, Bedminster NJ] – Today, Chris Christie endorsed fellow Republican career politician Jack Ciattarelli for Governor.
“Jack and I are cut from the came cloth, and he’s just as beloved as I was by the time I left office,” said Christie, who polled at a whoopping 15% as Governor. “Jack and I have so much in common. I sat maskless in a sealed room for Trump’s debate prep and then hugged people in the Rose Garden… while Jack Ciattarelli runs around maskless in matzah factories and countless right-wing backroom fundraisers. Jack attended rallies with Confederate flags freely waved by white supremacists… while I often sat next to Stephen Miller in strategy meetings, which is basically the same thing. Let’s Go Mets!”
“For the next year, whenever people hear Jack Ciattarelli’s name, they’ll think of Chris Christie. In fact, you can even start calling him Jack Christiarelli” said Joshua Henne, Christiarelli’s new spokesman. “When voters head into the booth, when they see Jack’s name on the ballot-- they’ll remember everything Christie did to New Jersey and how he left the state.”
“When I attended those ‘Stop The Steal’ rallies last winter, I kept thinking how Christie would be proud of how I carried President Trump’s water and lies, just as he has all these years,” said career politician Jack Ciattarrelli. “For nearly a decade I was a creature of Trenton who supported Christie at every turn, and I’m still a proud Christie acolyte who loyally supports the Christie/Trump vision.”
Ciattarelli first began his long career as a politician in 1990. During his near-decade in Trenton, Ciattarelli was a solid vote for the Christie agenda. And now Ciattarelli promises to continue following the Christie gameplan-- with his pledges to cut women’s health funding, deny climate change and hand-out tax breaks to multi-millionaires and corporations.
On this historic day of Christie and Ciattarelli embracing, other leading Republican luminaries also chimed in.
“Everyone remembers when I snuck into New Jersey to rock out with a New York Republican Club’s mask-free holiday party while Covid was surging,” said Congressman Matt Gaetz (R-Newsmax). “I’ll have a lot of time on my hands pretty soon, and I look forward to organizing even more maskless events for ‘Young Republicans for Ciattarelli.’ In fact, the younger the better. I particularly plan to focus on women between the ages of 14-17.”
“Sure, in 2016 Ciattarelli didn’t support me because I was ‘not fit to be President.’ However, after seeing how I coddled white supremacists, attempted to strip funding for Superstorm Sandy victims, tried defunding public education, enacted a Muslim ban, attempted to gut healthcare for millions of Americans and completely bungled the Covid response…it was only then that Jack Ciattarelli came out in full Trump support” said One-Term, Historically Weak Presidential Loser Donald Trump. “I appreciate Ciattarelli attending my campaign rallies and showing up to speak at ‘Stop The Steal’ events to inspire people to drive down to D.C. and violently storm the capitol. And I appreciate Jack never blaming me for the insurrection and trying to steal the election. Ciattarelli will bring that same sound leadership to the Governor’s Office.”
“Jack Ciattarelli’s been an entrenched politician for a long time. In fact as Freeholder, he supported my presidential campaign way back in 2007. When Jack loses, I’ll be there to loudly proclaim the election was rigged with the same facts and professionalism I’m famouos for,” said Rudy Giuliani, while having lunch at the Four Seasons Diner in Toms River, NJ. “Voters can definitely view Ciattarelli as a Christie-Guiliani-Trump Republican…and if that doesn't tell the whole story…then you don’t know Jack!”