Pope Trump MMXXVIII: The Infallible Orange God-King of Golgotha

He rises, glorious in vestments woven from classified documents and gold MyPillow thread, wearing a bejeweled mitre shaped like a Mar-a-Lago golf tee. His papal ring is the Trump Steaks logo; pilgrims kiss it and receive a coupon code. He delivers sermons from the Balcony of Eternal Grievance, flanked by golden eagles, a rotating spotlight and Kid Rock playing lute covers of “God Bless the U.S.A.” he signs an executive bull (in crayon) proclaiming: “I am the best Pope. Maybe ever. People are saying it. The Catholics, the evangelicals, even the Jews— some of them— say I’m the Chosen One. Frank was nice, but frankly, I’m holier. And richer. Amen.”

You probably heard by now that Señor Trumpanzyy told a reporter yesterday that he’d like to be pope, something immediately seconded by Lindsey Graham. Well… in a divine revelation broadcast live on Truth Social and simulcast on FOX, Newsmax, and a golden toilet seat in Mar-a-Lago’s chapel, Donald J. Trump— twice-impeached, quadruply-indicted, thrice-married, and once-prohibited from Twitter— has declared his actual intent to ascend to the Papacy. Move over, Vatican. Make room for Vaticlown.

“I’ve always said I’d be a great Pope. Maybe the best Pope. Better than Jesus, some are saying,” Trump announced to a crowd of faithful at a campaign stop that looked suspiciously like a televangelist’s wet dream. “They say I’m not Catholic. Fake news. I took communion once at Melania’s niece’s quinceañera. Very holy. They gave me wine. It was a great vintage. 2016— like my win. Total miracle.”

Within hours, Marjorie Taylor Greene had tattooed a crucifix with Trump’s face onto her thigh and declared it a sign of the Second Coming—“the real one, not that socialist carpenter.” Meanwhile, Steve Bannon— recently canonized as Saint Steve of the Sweat-Stained Hoodie— announced the formation of the MAGA Curia, a theocratic braintrust of the purest mediocrity and most pungent grievance. And Mike Lindell released a commemorative “Pillow of the Shroud” with the former president’s image superimposed onto the face of Christ. Sean Hannity began referring to him as Your Holiness, America’s Messiah, and Future King of Heaven.

The MAGA Church—an ecclesiastical movement founded in the ruins of the Republican Party— announced they had already begun construction on a new basilica in Florida, funded by a mix of cryptocurrency, NFTs, and the tears of the working class. “We’re calling it St. Stormy’s Cathedral,” Eric Trump whispered through tears. “It’s what Dad would’ve wanted.”

When asked about the doctrinal implications of a thrice-divorced casino baron leading a religion that frowns upon literally all of that, Trump replied, “I believe in forgiveness. Mostly for me. Not for Hillary, not for the immigrants, and definitely not for the DOJ. But me? I’m basically a saint. Saint Donald. The Patron of Real Estate and Retribution.”

Lindsey Graham, clutching his rosary and a pocket Constitution soaked in flop sweat, threw his full support behind the Holy See Takeover: “If loving Donald Trump as the Holy Father is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. He’s the pope of my heart.”

Inside sources say Trump has plans to remodel the Sistine Chapel into the Trumpstine Chapel, replacing Michelangelo’s “Creation of Adam” with a depiction of the former president handing a Big Mac to a glowing, submissive Founding Father. “It’s about America,” Trump explained. “And me. Mostly me.”

Meanwhile, the College of Cardinals has reportedly gone into hiding. “We thought this was a joke,” said an anonymous Italian prelate. “But then we got a cease-and-desist letter from Rudy Giuliani demanding we ‘stop obstructing God’s Will and turn over the incense immediately.’”

Vatican insiders say Trump plans to replace confessionals with Truth Social booths, and communion wafers with Trump Steaks—“consecrated cuts of pure American beef, aged in the vaults of Mar-a-Lago.” The Latin Mass will be replaced with WWE-style entrance music, and the Ave Maria will be redone by Kid Rock and Ted Nugent, featuring a guitar solo shaped like the Ten Commandments (the Trump version, with only three: No Taxes, No Immigrants, and No Criticism).

There are rumors Trump is preparing a new encyclical: “Covfefe Veritas”— on the infallibility of tweets, the sacredness of branding, and why the Tower of Babel was actually a zoning issue.

The new Trump Catechism replaces the Beatitudes with tweets. “Blessed are the wealthy, for they shall dodge taxes.” “Blessed are the loud, the armed, the poorly informed.” Confession has been rebranded as a “Fake News Audit,” and the sacrament of marriage will now include an option for preemptive NDAs. Pope Trump MMXXVIII is reportedly preparing to canonize himself and declare January 6th a holy day of obligation. And with him at the helm, the Catholic Church is poised for a bold new era of spiritual grift, denominational delusion and gold-plated apostasy. Whether this ends in rapture or arraignment remains to be seen. Either way, the Last Judgment just got a VIP lounge.

Amen, and pass the covfefe.