by Noah
Dateline Washington:
Candy Van! Candy Van!
Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel proudly announces a new Future Voters Outreach Program! To that end, McDaniel says that her party has purchased a new fleet of freshly renovated campaign vehicles. McDaniel commented,
Our Future Voters Outreach Program will target America's youth who will soon be of voting age! Our new fleet of Gaetz-mobiles will be the finest fleet of campaign vans ever assembled; that I can tell you. We are unleashing the kraken of van fleets and it will be made available to all of our great candidates for Congress in 2022 and 2024! Each van will be retro-fitted with Russian engines that run on pure, unrefined Caspian Sea crude oil. The retro-fitting and renovations will all be performed by our chain of Four Seasons Auto Repair & Quickie-Lube locations. Rudy Giuliani & Associates will inspect the work on each van to make sure there are no excessive drips or leaks of any kind. We are extra determined to efficiently reach out to the millions of untapped young white people who will soon be of an age when they can vote all over our great country! Get 'em while their young!
McDaniel went on to detail that each Gaetz-mobile will be fully outfitted with a safe full of Big Pharma-provided quaaludes and ecstasy, crisp hundred dollar bills contributed by various American corporations, bedding provided by My Pillow, and a variety of custom republican candies including small white chocolate candy bars called "Little Mitchies" and thickly vanilla-covered Graham Crackers called Cracker Lindsies. MAGA-red all day suckers will also be custom made and available with each republican candidate's name on them. "What child wouldn't want to suck on one of those all day long?" said Ms. McDaniel.