by Noah
Your parents are your mother and your brother. Q is your priest. You bathe (once every 3 or 4 weeks) in Monsanto CrabGrass Killer. You snort Adderall laced with cocaine, bath salts, and oven cleaner. You carry a smartphone and even navigate your car with GPS but complain Joe Biden wants to track you with a tiny invisible chip in a vaccine. You worry about Jewish space lasers and you obsess about black people voting. Every night of your life you happily dream of being anally probed by aliens. When morning comes, you wash down your morning bowl of Trump Lead Paint Chips with a combo-quart of turpentine and moonshine. What a life you lead! Yep! You're a Republican!