by Noah
Sunday Thoughts, God of Republicans Edition:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States, Donald J. Trump will now address you."
Good evening to you Americans who support me, which is the vast majority if not all of you. Patriots. Real Americans. Also good evening to my pal Vlad and my very special friend Kim Jong- un. He writes me beautiful letters. Beautiful. He loves me. Powerful. Obama never got letters from world leaders.
Soon, I will be moving my oval office to Paraguay. That is unless my friend Vlad has a Crimean dacha I can put my name on. Trump Dacha. Beautiful thing. Big beds. But before then...ah...I want to mention my bigliest accomplishment. Bigger than even my multi-billion dollar swiss cheese wall. Biglier than Space Force. My impeachments!
My impeachments were the best impeachments. No one has ever had better impeachments! My Pillow Guy agrees. Don't you Pillow Guy. Where's Pillow Guy? Raise your hand. There he is. A... a... Tremendous impeachments. Half of all president impeachments in history! Me Trump. Great numbers. I want to especially thank the Republicans in the $enate for giving me the wonderful opportunity to get two impeachments. No one has ever had 2 impeachments! Just me. Tremendous impeachments. The best impeachments, highest ratings! That I can tell you.
People are saying. People are saying I should get a second term. How can I get a third impeachment if I don't get the term I won by a lot? But Mike Pence betrayed me. I have friends in Congress that I don't like so much anymore. They turned out to be fake friends. Bad friends. Not friends! But...But... But, I won! I won. I won by a lot! They shouldn't convict me. Illegitimate! I did nothing wrong! That's not fair. Landslide! Landslide! I'll be there with you! Believe me. Rigged! Damn lizard people.
At least I can marry Ivanka now. Lizard people. I see lizard people. Lots of lizard people. I...Where's Rudy? I...uh...Where's my Shaman guy? Lizard people! Lizard people! Spiders! Spiders crawling all over me! Spiders...Why? Get them off me Shaman guy! Get them off me! Lizard people!!!!!"
Fade to black.