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  • Writer's pictureNoah

England's Prince Philip: Dead At Last. A Diplomat He Was Not

by Noah Those who know me even a little know that I have a healthy contempt for the Brits. My contempt was born out of working for not one but two British corporations during my career. Experience is the best teacher. The place is a land of overbearing, condescending 24hr. drunkards who just can't come to terms with the fact that their country, once the power of the world, is now just a theme park tourist destination. Imagine a whole country where the so-called upper class has the same IQ and the same teeth as the poorest souls of America's Appalachian mountains. It's even worse than here. At least the latter have somewhat of an excuse but it is safe to say that, in both cases, inbreeding took its toll. To me, if it wasn't for the wonderful contributions of British musicians and other artists, there would be nothing to recommend the place. It's telling that so many of the ones that I personally count as friends moved here long ago. In at least a couple of instances, my British friends have indicated that they not only have an opinion of their homeland that resembles mine but it's also why they left it. So, anyway, the other day I woke up and, as usual, reached for my tablet and checked my news feed. There it was: Prince Philip had kicked the ol' ruby encrusted chalice. Prince Philip is dead. Prince Philip has ceased to be. Well, ok, that's something, I thought. The day is off to a good start. The pompous old fart is dead, but, not to worry there's more where he came from but, still, no more Prince Philip. Good. Good riddance. How long before the Brits blame Meghan? The Independent (an online U.K. newspaper) has put together a list of 90 quotes that illustrate the essence of the newly dead Prince Philip. You can read them and find out all you need to know about the man. It's quite an obituary. Too bad it doesn't all fit on his tombstone. I've edited the list down but, if you wish to subject yourself to the entire list, you can by clicking this link. Being a diplomatic man was really his one job. He had one real job to do but he couldn't even do that. The Queen should have just carried around Triumph the insult dog. Yes, the man sometimes showed a sense of humor even if that was largely unintended but, in reality, he was a gaffe machine of the first order and, more than that, his words reveal the idiocy, condescension, outright snobbery and worse that we so often see coming from the Brits. In that sense, he truly was an exemplary leader of his people. 1. British women can't cook. (in Britain in 1966). 2. What do you gargle with? Pebbles? (speaking to singer Tom Jones after the 1969 Royal Variety Performance). 3. I declare this thing open, whatever it is. (on a visit to Canada in 1969). 4. Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed. (during the 1981 recession). 5. If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies but is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and it is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it. (at a 1986 World Wildlife Fund meeting). 6. It looks like a tart's bedroom. (on seeing plans for the Duke and Duchess of York's house at Sunninghill Park in 1988). 7. Yak, yak, yak; come on get a move on. (shouted from the deck of Britannia in Belize in 1994 to the Queen who was chatting to her hosts on the quayside). 8. We didn't have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun, asking 'Are you all right? Are you sure you don't have a ghastly problem?' You just got on with it. (about the Second World War commenting on modern stress counselling for servicemen in 1995). 9. How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test? (to a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland, during a 1995 walkabout). 10. If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats? (in 1996, amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting). 11. Bloody silly fool! (in 1997, referring to a Cambridge University car park attendant who did not recognise him). 12. It looks as if it was put in by an Indian. (pointing at an old-fashioned fuse box in a factory near Edinburgh in 1999). 13. Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf. (to young deaf people in Cardiff, in 1999, referring to a school's steel band). 14. They must be out of their minds. (in the Solomon Islands, in 1982, when he was told that the annual population growth was 5 per cent). 15. You are a woman, aren't you? (In Kenya, in 1984, after accepting a small gift from a local woman). 16. If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed. (perhaps his most notorious comment - to British students in China, during a 1986 state visit). 17. Your country is one of the most notorious centres of trading in endangered species in the world. (in Thailand, in 1991, after accepting a conservation award). 18. Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease. (in Australia, in 1992, when asked to stroke a Koala bear). 19. You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly. (to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary, in 1993). 20. Aren't most of you descended from pirates? (to a wealthy islander in the Cayman Islands in 1994). 21. You managed not to get eaten, then? (suggesting to a student in 1998 who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea that tribes there were still cannibals). 22. In Germany, in 1997, he welcomed German Chancellor Helmut Kohl at a trade fair as "Reichskanzler"-- the last German leader who used the title was Adolf Hitler. 23. You're too fat to be an astronaut." (to 13-year-old Andrew Adams who told Philip he wanted to go into space. Salford, 2001). 24. I wish he'd turn the microphone off. (muttered at the Royal Variety Performance as he watched Sir Elton John perform, 2001). 25. Do you still throw spears at each other? (In Australia in 2002 talking to a successful aborigine entrepreneur). 26. You look like a suicide bomber. (to a young female officer wearing a bullet-proof vest on Stornoway, Isle of Lewis, in 2002). 27. Do you know they're now producing eating dogs for anorexics? (to a blind woman outside Exeter Cathedral, 2002). 28. Well, you didn't design your beard too well, did you? (to designer Stephen Judge about his tiny goatee beard in July 2009). 29. There's a lot of your family in tonight. (after looking at the name badge of businessman Atul Patel at a Palace reception for British Indians in October 2009). 30. Do you work in a strip club? (to 24-year-old Barnstaple Sea Cadet Elizabeth Rendle when she told him she also worked in a nightclub in March 2010). 31. Do you have a pair of knickers made out of this? (pointing to some tartan to Scottish Conservative leader Annabel Goldie a papal reception in Edinburgh in September 2010). 32. Bits are beginning to drop off. (on approaching his 90th birthday, 2011). 33. How many people have you knocked over this morning on that thing? (meeting disabled David Miller who drives a mobility scooter at the Valentine Mansion in Redbridge in March 2012). 34. I would get arrested if I unzipped that dress. (to 25-year-old council worker Hannah Jackson, who was wearing a dress with a zip running the length of its front, on a Jubilee visit to Bromley, Kent, in May 2012). 35. The Philippines must be half empty as you're all here running the NHS. (on meeting a Filipino nurse at a Luton hospital in February 2013). 36. Most stripping is done by hand." (to 83-year-old Mars factory worker Audrey Cook when discussing how she used to strip or cut Mars Bars by hand in April 2013). 37. (Children) go to school because their parents don't want them in the house. (prompting giggles from Malala Yousafzai, who survived an assassination attempt by the Taliban after campaigning for the right of girls to go to school without fear - October 2013). 38. Just take the f***ing picture. (losing patience with an RAF photographer at events to mark the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain - July 2015). 39. You look starved. (to a pensioner on a visit to the Charterhouse almshouse for elderly men - February 2017) 40. I'm just a bloody amoeba. (on the Queen's decision that their children should be called Windsor, not Mountbatten). 41. Gentlemen, I think it is time we pulled our fingers out.(to the Industrial Co-Partnership Association on Britain's inefficient industries in 1961). 42. Are you asking me if the Queen is going to die? (on being questioned on when the Prince of Wales would succeed to the throne). 43. If the man had succeeded in abducting Anne, she would have given him a hell of a time while in captivity. (On a gunman who tried to kidnap the Princess Royal in 1974). 44. I hope he breaks his bloody neck. (when a photographer covering a royal visit to India fell out of a tree). 45. If it doesn't fart or eat hay, she's not interested. (on the Princess Royal). 46. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. (on marriage). 47. It's a pleasant change to be in a country that isn't ruled by its people. (to Alfredo Stroessner, the Paraguayan dictator). 48. Where did you get that hat? (supposedly to the Queen at her Coronation). 49. Get me a beer. I don't care what kind it is, just get me a beer! (On being offered the finest Italian wines by PM Giuliano Amato at a dinner in Rome in 2000). 50. The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop the tourism, we could stop the congestion. (At the opening of City Hall in 2002). 51. If you travel as much as we do you appreciate the improvements in aircraft design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don't travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly. (To the Aircraft Research Association in 2002). 52. Do people trip over you? (Meeting a wheelchair-bound nursing-home resident in 2002). 53. You're not wearing mink knickers, are you? (Philip charms fashion writer Serena French at a World Wildlife Fund gathering in 1993).

Oh, and by the way, what may be even worse in Britain than the upper class twit crowd are the middle class types who get some money and success and then make complete asses of themselves by adopting blatant pretensions of suddenly being upper class themselves. Imagine actually wanting to emulate someone like the twits in the Monty Python sketch below. We had one of these at one of the two companies I worked for. He literally couldn't even figure out how to leave the New York office one night. Getting through the reception area and through a set of doors and to the elevators was just too complicated for him. Everything about the clown was wrong. When the co-owner (the brains of the operation) sold him his share of the company and left, the company crashed and burned in a little over six months. Don't worry about him though. He still had enough publishing interests to more than see him through. Owning publishing is kinda like having inherited wealth. It sits there and earns money until you find a way to piss it all away.

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