Hanukkah is upon us and Christmas is less than two weeks away. Every internet shopping site has been warning us to expect shipping delays due to COVID-19 induced worker shortages and the Republican-induced trashing of the U.S. Postal Service. You be best ordering right now! Don't be a procrastinator! You wouldn't want to disappoint your Republican friend, would you? So, c'mon. Take a look at the fine gift suggestions below and pick out something for that Republican that lowers your neighborhood property values every time he sticks a Republican lawn sign in front of his house. Here You go!
1. The Trump Sippy Cup: Yes, give that republikook on your list a Trump Sippy Cup. Tell them that the only rule is they have to drink with both hands on the cup and none in their pants. What they drink in the sippy cup is their own business, even if they made it in their basement or backyard. If they want to drink bleach or Lysol, that's OK, too. You don't want to be accused of interfering with their freedoms, do you? In fact, it's more than OK.
2. Trump Paper Doll Kit: Sure, it's a little complicated for your average red-hat-wearing repug, but I don't care if Trump's head gets accidentally cut off, do you?
3. Trump Playskool! Republicans love to homeschool their offspring and it shows! Boy Howdy does it show! Just look at any interview of Trump rally attendees or listen to Don Jr. and Eric for 20 seconds! You know it's bad when an airhead like Ivanka is considered "the smart one." Yeesh!
So, do you know a Republican with kids? If so, why not give them the same level of education so-called President Trump got? Start them off with the Playskool "My First Presidency" and show them that, yes, in this crazy country, literally any damn freak can become president. The Idiocracy rules! You even get signable executive orders, just like it says on the box! Act now and your lucky giftee will get a free bonus jar of semi-lethal paste for dinner! Also Available: "My First Impeachment" and "My First Border Wall." Must be over 18 for "My First Porn Star."
4. Impeachable You Perfume By Ivanka: Speaky of both Impeachment and Ivanka, why not give a gift that will make your republican friend smell just like Lindsey Graham? How bad can that be? After all you wouldn't want your giftee to smell like Rudy Giuliani, would you? Which leads us to #5 below!
5. Rudy, Just For Men, Big Dripper! Do you wonder how Rudy gets "his look?" Wonder no more! You probably thought that Rudy must spend hundreds of dollars and hours at the hairdresser to achieve "The Rudy Look" but, not a chance, and here's the great part: Any Republican can look the same as Rudy! In fact, why not suggest that they take it further, much further! Tell them to use the "Big Dripper" as eyeliner, and, to highlight every crease and line they've got for a total Ghouliani effect! Or, just use a sharpie.