-by Noah Are you still at a loss as to what to give a Republican to celebrate the holidays? Sure, you can do what I did to my Republican neighbors and have a huge Trump Baby balloon flying above my front yard for the last four years, but I bet you'd like something you could just hand them, other than a cobra in a basket, of course. Damn, those can be dangerous. I mean, sure, they bite the moron but what then? Do you want a cobra slithering all over the neighborhood at all hours of the day and night? No. Of course you don't. Gawd! They spit more than Rudy Giuliani! So, anyway, here be some more perfectly on point gifts that you may want to consider giving to that republican that lowers your quality of life. 1. The Rudy Giuliani "Four Seasons" XXX Action Figure! There it is, pictured above. Imagine the happiness you'll be giving any Republican "friend" if you give them one of these! My! What large hands it has! I'd give one to Trump and point that out! The best feature of this action doll is that your Republican "friend" can lay it down on a doll-sized bed (sold separately) and watch it "tuck its shirt in" over and over again. I hear it even comes with a large tube of sweat and saliva so the owner can apply that extra layer of realism. Warning! It's cold, ice cold! 2. The Special Republican Log Cabin Syrup-Mike & Lyndsey Edition! Who doesn't like pancakes? Warning! Make sure the seal hasn't been broken. That would attract flies, but then so would just the picture of Pence.
3. A Kamala Harris "I'm Speaking" Coffee Mug! Or is that a covfefe mug? Doesn't really matter since both are readily available all over the interwebs. Since republicans make up everything including words. Why not give them this gift that will remind them of one of the 2020 debate season's best moments? You might say that it's your way of saying "How 'bout a nice warm cup of Shut the fuck up? Remind them that Vice President Elect Harris repeatedly had to tell the uber impolite, woman-fearing Vice President Fly Nest that she should not be talked over and wasn't going to put up with any of that republican misogyny shit that they do so well. It seems so natural for them, doesn't it?
4. A Yo Semite T-Shirt! Also available everywhere. Remember when our "Stable Genius" President called Yosemite Yo Semite? Yes, Trump hates our national parks so much that he doesn't even bother to learn their names. That repug kook in your life will probably think Yo Semite really is the name of the park, just like he or she thinks Trump belongs on Mt. Rushmore. By the way, I bet a lot of them wonder why Mt. Rushmore doesn't have Rush Limbaugh on it.
5. Melania Trump's Holiday Album! Can she sing? Who knows? All we know is that she's the current queen of the "war on Christmas" and looks like she's made of a lot more plastic than her record. But what republican wouldn't want to hear Melania "sing" about white power, mushrooms, divorce, and nightmares? If there's ever a remake of Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas," Melania really has to be given a starring role. Don't ya think?